Gaslight, GATEKEEP, Girlboss
Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. The motto that propels me out of bed each morning. The motto that I strive to implement daily into my life. As I make my morning coffee, I think about the devious ways in which I will manipulate and gaslight people. Once, in an incredible turn of events, I gaslighted myself. True talent right there. I am obviously a girlboss through and through. Hello? Full time student, writer, and annoyance to everyone around me. That takes work to pull off.
Ironically, I used to think I struggled with gatekeep. When I find something fresh and exciting, I feel like I need everyone to know that I was here first. It’s like calling dibs. It’s mine and you can’t have it. However, after some deep introspection and soul searching, I realized that I actually fully embody gatekeep.
Gatekeeping requires having something to gatekeep. For me, it’s music/artists. I used to think that I needed to be recognized as an OG fan, but I’ve realized that’s just not true. Because when I’m fully into something, fully immersed, fully obsessed, I don’t tell people until after the fact. When I’m already deep in the fandom and there’s no coming back.
The note on my kindergarten report card holds true til today. I don’t like to share. If I share my favorite artist with you and your opinion of them is wrong, you’ve now tainted them. I would rather keep my little obsession to myself and my new fandom than share with people who don’t fully appreciate The Thing™.
For the record, I have given my friends tons of music / entertainment suggestions over the years that they have loved. However, there’s always a small part of me that screams not to share. Not to allow other people into this sphere of mine. For the most part, I ignore this voice, because most of the time my friends don’t listen to me. Sigh.
I bring this up because this past week, me and my bestie decided to do something. Incredible, because we never do anything. We decided to swap artists. I gave her my current favorite artist to listen to and she gave me one as well.
Now, this friend of mine has been hearing about this artist of mine for weeks. I cannot shut up. However, my bestie has not listened to the incredible music of said artist until now.
Dutifully listening to two albums and singles, Bestie presented me with a screenshot of her notes app with each song and a rating next to it. I could not believe my eyes. The ratings were so low, dipping as low as a 2/10. A personal favorite of mine got a 3/10. A 3/10????? “Everything sounds the same”. She must be going deaf. That is the only explanation.
After a phone call, she admitted that perhaps my obsession had tainted the artist for her. I have talked extensively about this artist because I knew my friend wouldn’t listen, but now that she had I felt almost betrayed. How could you not see the brilliance of this artist? How could you not hear the emotion? How could you not get it???? Clearly, I’m still not over the 3/10.
I vowed to listen to her artist and give my rating. I have yet to do so. However, she pointed out that she wouldn’t even have a reaction to my rating saying “it’s not like it personally affects me…Like somebody else I know”. I am that someone else.
Does this sound overdramatic? Maybe a little, I’ll give you that. A run of the mill song I wouldn’t care about. However, this wasn’t about your generic background noise song. It’s hard not to take things personally, when it’s your current favorite artists that you are in deep.. It’s letting somebody into your world. It’s letting somebody see a piece of you through a song or artist. It’s saying this piece of art….this is a small piece of me.
It's like giving a piece of your soul to someone and watching it be stepped on when they don’t like it. Hence... I gatekeep.